Dear Whisker Works Customers,

It’s come to our attention that some voters in Florida may have used disguises to obscure their identities when going to the polls last week, a shocking revelation made by President Donald Trump in a carefully worded and well-sourced proclamation issued by tweet yesterday. We at Whisker Works feel an obligation to inform our customers of the potential for misuse of our props, and the likelihood that some of our artificial mustaches on sticks may have played a hand in undermining the integrity of our elections system. For this, we are truly, deeply sorry.

When we embarked on this venture into the exciting world of temporary facial obscuration nine largely uneventful years ago, Amber and I never thought we would become accessories to state crimes. Our business is making people happy, mostly at parties and weddings. Should we make people happy at polling places, that’s fine, too, as long as they aren’t voting more than once, after a comic series of disguise changes in the parking lot, rifling through an assortment of artfully styled facial accoutrements in search of just the right look to fool our fair state’s keen-eyed polling place volunteers.

To be frank, it’s disturbing to know that we may have given anyone access to the tools they needed to commit voter fraud. In the interests of making things right, we’ve reviewed our extensive product inventory and prepared a list for law enforcement of styles we feel were most likely to be abused in such a way. We’re fully willing to cooperate with any agencies investigating this matter. We’re also committed to revising our website to display a prominent warning that our props are not to be used in the commission of a crime, be it voter fraud, tricking cashiers into selling alcohol to minors, or impersonating a dashing celebrity in hopes of landing a date. These warnings will also be included with all future orders.

Hopefully in time we will be able to regain your trust, while we work to stamp out the scourge of disguise-based voter fraud. Thank you for your attention and understanding.

Sincerely,

Alex Babcock
Vice President of Mustache-Based Fraud Prevention
Whisker Works, Inc.